Pontius Piglet: .... So there I am, in my lovely house of straw, minding my own business, when this wolf just strolls right up and knocks on my door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in," he says. So I bust a rhyme and I'm all like "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin". I mean, why would I let a wolf into my house? Best case scenario, he's some sort of door-to-door salesman. Worst case scenario, he wants to shred me up on top of his meat salad. I ain't down with that.
Besides, I was in the middle of cooking some delicious slop on the fireplace. No way I was answering the door. And then the wolf just goes and blows my house down. That scalawag. So I hauled my curly tail out of there and to Harry's place.
Hamwise Gamgee: So wait, you had a fireplace in your house made of straw?
Pontius: Well, yeah.
Hamwise: Yeah, you're probably better off having that place burnt down. What happened at your place, Harry?
Harry Plopper: Basically the same thing. Pontius came by, told me what happened back at his house, and then the wolf comes strolling up, tells us he's going to blow the house down, then blows the house down.
Pontius: Even though I don't really think it was totally the wolf's fault.
Hamwise: How do you mean?
Harry: I attended the Eeyore School of Design. It was probably destined to happen.
Samwise: I see.
Pontius: So that's why we're here. We need a place to hide from the wolf, and your place is the sturdiest around.
Samwise: No problem, friends. If the wolf comes by, we'll see how he likes bricks, mortar, and tempered glass.
Harry: You're a life saver.
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
Pontius: OH GOD HE'S HERE! HE'S COME TO EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE WANTS TO DEVOUR MY DELICIOUS BACON HIDE!
Samwise: Relax, guy. He can't get in here. Let me handle this.
.... You might as well just walk away right now, there's no meal here for you, you Big Bad..... Bill Lumbergh?
Bill Lumbergh: What's happening?
Hamwise: What are you doing here?
Bill Lumbergh: I represent the town.
Hamwise: Ok, so what are you doing here?
Bill Lumbergh: We're getting some new industries moving in, so we're going to need to go ahead and move out immediately. We're going to need as much space as we can get, so if you could just go ahead pack up all of your stuff and move it out of here, that would be great. OK?
Hamwise: No, it's not OK. I just built this place. I have a lot of money and hogpower invested in this place. What makes you think it would be OK?
Bill Lumbergh: Well, the area we are standing in is zoned as heavy industrial, not residential. So we're gonna need you to move out of here. OK, great.
Hamwise: You zoned this area heavy industrial?
Bill Lumbergh: The town is expecting a large increase in industry in the next few years. So if you could move out now, that would be great.
Hamwise: No way. There's gotta be some way I can fight this. Get it rezoned or something.
Bill Lumbergh: I'm afraid that time has passed. We gave you a chance. We sent you all those notices in the mail.
Hamwise: That's what those were? I had no idea, since I'm English illiterate. I can only read Pig Latin
Harry Plopper: You know, it's a pretty simple conversion between English and Pig Latin. All you have to do is take the first letter and put it at the end along with an "ay".
Hamwise: Shut up, Plopper. Who do I look like, Enry-Hay Inkler-Way?
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and move out. That would be great.
Hamwise: There is no way I am moving out. You're going have to take down my house with me in it.
Bill Lumbergh: I was afraid of that. That's why we brought him.
Hamwise: Him? What's he gonna do, breathe really hard on my front door? Is he going to spread pulmonary disease somehow? Your huffing and puffing isn't going to do it against my fine works of masonry. You know what kind of pig I am? I'm the kind of pig who built the Great Wall of China out of stone, and braun. This is a magnificient edifice. It's edificient. You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, Lumbergh.
Hamwise: Oh. FML.
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