Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Love LAP Theatre: The Three Little Pigs & the Big Bad Zoning Board
Pontius Piglet: .... So there I am, in my lovely house of straw, minding my own business, when this wolf just strolls right up and knocks on my door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in," he says. So I bust a rhyme and I'm all like "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin". I mean, why would I let a wolf into my house? Best case scenario, he's some sort of door-to-door salesman. Worst case scenario, he wants to shred me up on top of his meat salad. I ain't down with that.
Besides, I was in the middle of cooking some delicious slop on the fireplace. No way I was answering the door. And then the wolf just goes and blows my house down. That scalawag. So I hauled my curly tail out of there and to Harry's place.
Hamwise Gamgee: So wait, you had a fireplace in your house made of straw?
Pontius: Well, yeah.
Hamwise: Yeah, you're probably better off having that place burnt down. What happened at your place, Harry?
Harry Plopper: Basically the same thing. Pontius came by, told me what happened back at his house, and then the wolf comes strolling up, tells us he's going to blow the house down, then blows the house down.
Pontius: Even though I don't really think it was totally the wolf's fault.
Hamwise: How do you mean?
Harry: I attended the Eeyore School of Design. It was probably destined to happen.
Samwise: I see.
Pontius: So that's why we're here. We need a place to hide from the wolf, and your place is the sturdiest around.
Samwise: No problem, friends. If the wolf comes by, we'll see how he likes bricks, mortar, and tempered glass.
Harry: You're a life saver.
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
Pontius: OH GOD HE'S HERE! HE'S COME TO EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE WANTS TO DEVOUR MY DELICIOUS BACON HIDE!
Samwise: Relax, guy. He can't get in here. Let me handle this.
.... You might as well just walk away right now, there's no meal here for you, you Big Bad..... Bill Lumbergh?
Bill Lumbergh: What's happening?
Hamwise: What are you doing here?
Bill Lumbergh: I represent the town.
Hamwise: Ok, so what are you doing here?
Bill Lumbergh: We're getting some new industries moving in, so we're going to need to go ahead and move out immediately. We're going to need as much space as we can get, so if you could just go ahead pack up all of your stuff and move it out of here, that would be great. OK?
Hamwise: No, it's not OK. I just built this place. I have a lot of money and hogpower invested in this place. What makes you think it would be OK?
Bill Lumbergh: Well, the area we are standing in is zoned as heavy industrial, not residential. So we're gonna need you to move out of here. OK, great.
Hamwise: You zoned this area heavy industrial?
Bill Lumbergh: The town is expecting a large increase in industry in the next few years. So if you could move out now, that would be great.
Hamwise: No way. There's gotta be some way I can fight this. Get it rezoned or something.
Bill Lumbergh: I'm afraid that time has passed. We gave you a chance. We sent you all those notices in the mail.
Hamwise: That's what those were? I had no idea, since I'm English illiterate. I can only read Pig Latin
Harry Plopper: You know, it's a pretty simple conversion between English and Pig Latin. All you have to do is take the first letter and put it at the end along with an "ay".
Hamwise: Shut up, Plopper. Who do I look like, Enry-Hay Inkler-Way?
Bill Lumbergh: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and move out. That would be great.
Hamwise: There is no way I am moving out. You're going have to take down my house with me in it.
Bill Lumbergh: I was afraid of that. That's why we brought him.
Hamwise: Him? What's he gonna do, breathe really hard on my front door? Is he going to spread pulmonary disease somehow? Your huffing and puffing isn't going to do it against my fine works of masonry. You know what kind of pig I am? I'm the kind of pig who built the Great Wall of China out of stone, and braun. This is a magnificient edifice. It's edificient. You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, Lumbergh.
Hamwise: Oh. FML.
Friday, April 10, 2009
If They Had Chosen a Different Career Path....
Professor Beyler
Professor Britton
Professor Basanta
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
5 Questions....
1. What is it like to work in the only state capitol in the United States without a McDonald's?
2. Is it true that Ben & Jerry's is Vermont's only profitable export?
3. Are you going to be like your fellow Vermonter and go and take back the White House? YAAAAH!
4. Do you still have a job if Vermont secedes?
5. Did you know the name Vermont comes from the French for Green Mountain?
How I Spent My Summer Vacation by Professor Basanta
I'M ON A BOAT, I'M ON A BOAT
EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME
CAUSE I'M SAILING ON A BOAT
I'M ON A BOAT, TAKE A LOOK AT ME
STRAIGHT FLOWIN ON A BOAT
ON THE DEEP BLUE SEA
GOT MY SWIM TRUNKS
AND MY FLIPPY FLOPPIES
I'M FLIPPIN BURGERS, YOU AT KINKOS
STRAIGHT FLIPPIN COPIES
I'M RIDIN ON A DOLPHIN
GETTING EVERYBODY ALL WET
BUT THIS AIN'T SEA WORLD
THIS IS REAL AS IT GETS
I'M ON A BOAT
DON'T YOU EVER FORGET
I'M ON A BOAT AND
IT'S GOING FAST AND
I GOT A NAUTICAL THEMED
PASHMINA AFGHAN
I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD
ON A BOAT LIKE LEO
IF YOU'RE ON THE SHORE
YOU'RE SURE NOT ME-OH
FORGET LAND, I'M ON A BOAT
FORGET TREES, I CLIMB BUOYS
GONNA FLY THIS BOAT TO
THE MOON SOMEHOW
LIKE KEVIN GARNETT
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ON A BOAT
IT'S A BIG BLUE WATERY ROAD
POSEIDON, LOOK AT ME
NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY
WHEN A BIG BOAT COMING MY WAY
BELIVE ME WHEN I SAY
I MET A MERMAID, WENT ON A COUPLE DATES,
FELL IN LOVE, GOT MARRIED, HAD A COUPLE OF MERKIDS.
WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?
SEE, THERE'S ONE OF THEM NOW
I Love LAP Theatre: The Supreme Court Goes to Denny's
Waitress: ..... And we have a Grand Slam for you, sixteen strips of bacon for you, and one more Grand Slam for you. Alright, does everything look all right?
Justice Souter: Looks good, thank you.
Chief Justice Roberts: Yes, everything looks delicious.
Justice Scalia: Umm, excuse me ma'am. Where is the rest of my eggs?
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand. You ordered two eggs, sunny side up, right?
Justice Scalia: Yes. Two eggs, sunny side up. Where is the rest of the eggs?
Waitress: You have two sunny side eggs in front of you.
Justice Scalia: Yes, the insides of two eggs. The menu says I get two eggs. Not the yolks of two eggs, not the whites of two eggs, not the insides of two eggs. Two eggs. Where are my shells?
Justice Alito: Oh God, not again.
Waitress: You wanted to be served egg shells?
Justice Scalia: That's what I ordered. Two eggs. That's what is on the menu. That's what I want. Where are my shells? I didn't say anything when I ordered "water" and you brought me water sullied with ice cubes, but this is just unconscionable.
Justice Souter: What on earth are you going to do with egg shells?
Justice Scalia: That's none of your damn business, Dave.
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir, I.... I....
Justice Scalia: And another thing, why did Stevens get two slices of toast? He's only supposed to get one.
Justice Stevens: I only have one slice of toast, tubbo. It's cut in half.
Justice Scalia: Sliced in half. Two slices.
Justice Kennedy: So if they were to go in the back and cut a whole loaf of bread in half, that would be two slices of bread? That's ridiculous.
Justice Scalia: But it would be true to the words on the menu. Something this establishment apparently has no interest in.
Justice Breyer: Since you're still here, Miss, could I send these back and get some different pancakes?
Waitress: Do they taste wrong or something?
Justice Breyer: Absolutely not. They're delicious. They're just too thick.
Chief Justice Roberts: Too thick?
Justice Breyer: Yes, my research on the origins of the pancake have revealed that a true pancake has a thickness no greater than a quarter of an inch. These specimens are over three-eights of an inch thick. Could you have the guys in back make me some proper pancakes please?
Justice Ginsburg: They're pancakes. They're round. They're delicious. And they invariably give you room-clearing gas. Wait, you brought a ruler to breakfast?
Justice Breyer: Uh, yeah. What about it?
Justice Alito: And you found it necessary to research "pancakes"?
Justice Breyer: Uh, yeah. Like always. You guys never pay attention to me. Anyways, could I just go ahead and get those pancakes?..... Super.
Justice Scalia: And bring me my egg shells! And a manager.
[5 minutes later]
Denny's Manager: I'm sorry, your Honors, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave....
Chief Justice Roberts: I was afraid of that.
Denny's Manager: And never come back.
Chief Justice Roberts: That too.
Justice Breyer: How would you define 'never'? For future reference.
Justice Clarence Thomas: Hey can I get a box for my sixteen strips of bacon?
