Heineken Due Process

Another Classic Beyler Nod

"A change in venue is not substantialiscious."

This Message Brought to You by Professor Beyler

What'd you learn in Corporations today?

"You want to come over this weekend and help make chain-mail?"

What's This? A New Feature? WHAT FUN!

Hello there. Welcome to Poetry Corner Thursday, the corner of poetry that posts on Thursday. Here you will find original limericks, ballads, epics, sonnets, and other assorted forms of poetry at least tangentially related to the law school experience. This section, like all other content of I Love LAP is welcome for crowd participation. Have you written a ballad for your Corporations professor that you'd like to share with the class? Submit it to welovelap@gmail.com and we'll gladly share that. It would probably be a good idea to submit some poetry, lest you be stuck with my artistically-challenged verses.

Anyways, on to our first Poetry Corner Thursday submission!


A Haiku for Hagrid




Hagrid! Man or beast?
Born with beard or boldly grown?
Bears envy your fur

Quaker of classrooms!
Law school’s favorite Troglodyte
Young seals run scared

If I met an Orc
I would trust you to save me
With your brawn and boots

Your scrubs fit so snug
Same haircut as Miss Frizzle
From Magic School Bus

Hagrid! Man nor beast!
Your truth is mythology
Can you train my owl?

SPOLIATION ALERT!

Detective Stabler: So your statement is that you lost control of the car going around a curve and slid off the road. Then you crashed through a fence and hit a utility pole.

Detective Benson: And you feel that you were injured because the airbags did not deploy properly?

Driver: Yes, that is accurate.

Detective Benson: So what happened to the car after the accident? You haven't shown me any smashed up cars.

Driver: Well, it wasn't my car, so I just let my landlady take care of it. They might have had it fixed, they might have scrapped, I really dunno.

Detective Stabler: Had you been drinking that night, sir?

Driver: Err, I, yuh.... No.

Detective Stabler: Are you sure about that? Wanna rethink your answer? Is there anything else you want to tell us about that night?

Driver: Nope, can't think of anything.

Detective Benson: We found the car underwater in a tidal channel.

Driver: I DOUBT THAT!



Oh.

Detective Benson: We also found a dead girl in the car. Anything you wanna tell us about that, SENATOR TED KENNEDY?

Everybody on the old cell block was dancin' to the schoolhouse rock

You Think Sebastian Shark Aced Constitutional Law?

Getting to know the Transfer Students

First Day of School = Schoolhouse Rock, Obviously

Anybody see anything wrong in the video?









Yeah, that looks nothing like Hawaii.

Will there be no justice for the proud Hawaiian people?

We're Back!!!

GET EXCITED.

OR DIE TRYING.

NOW HERE'S A SHRIMP ON A TREADMILL.

I Love LAP Theatre - X-Men Origins: The Finals Encounter

Test Proctor: Alright, is everyone at the double stop signs?



Wolverine: Yeah, I'm ready go. But what is that guy doing in here?


Proctor: Yes, this final examination is for X-Men only, sir. You're going to have to leave.




Kelsey Grammer: But I am one of the X-Men.




Storm: You're not one the X-Men, you're just Kelsey Grammer wearing a bunch of blue make-up. You're not a mutant. You don't have any superpowers.


Kelsey Grammer: You think I don't have any super powers? You ever see a little show called Frasier? Every person that ever appeared on that show was a holographic image I myself created. You were viewing a physical manifestation of my brain activity. And it was one of the great stalwarts of mid-90s primetime comedy. Super powers. David Hyde Pierce? Figment of my imagination.


Wolverine: You're full of it.


Kelsey Grammer: You think I don't possess super powers? Take a look at me.

Now take a look at my daughter, Spencer.





Storm: I see your point.


Wolverine: Too bad you couldn't give her a girl's name.


Kelsey Grammer: I got a girl's name, Spencer got a boy's name. It's an old family tradition.


Wolverine: It's an ongoing cycle of child abuse.


Kelsey Grammer: You're not one to talk about names. Logan? It sounds a type of decorative piece of office furniture. "Hey Helen, did you bring the documents? Oh shoot, no, I must have left them on the logan." And Jean Grey? I can't decide if that sounds like a porn star's acting name or a character from a Jane Austen novel.



Wolverine: MY NAME IS WOLVERINE!


Proctor: Yeah, okay guys we're going to need to go ahead and start this test. Mr. Grammer can stay. Sir, you're going to have to remove those glasses before we start.




Cyclops: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?


Proctor: Ok, you can keep them on. Let's get started.


Juggernaut: I'm gonna ace it, because I'M THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH!


Proctor: You have three hours. You may begin.




3 HOURS LATER


Proctor: Ok, everyone, time is up.


Wolverine: Wow, that was brutal. How did you guys do?


Cyclops: I accidentally vaporized my computer. I got nothin.


Juggernaut: I'M THE JUGGERNAUT BITCH!


Storm: I'm pretty sure I failed. I need to just go outside and let off some steam.










Wolverine: Well, that was a bad idea.

P.S. - Sorry Cara.

What You Missed if You Missed the Property Review Session

2:05

Rock Band Tutor - The Bravery

What's that you say, The Bravery? It was an honest mistake? You swear you never meant for that?

Well, that's too bad. You had been allocated the risk of a mistake when the contract was made. You don't get to weasel out of it just because your unilateral mistake. Now, gimme my damages.

This Has Absolutely Nothing to Do With Law, But After Reading, It Absolutely Needed to Be Shared

Originally Posted Here: http://deadspin.com/5226042/the-one-with-competitive-fanny-coughs-and-belichicks-casual-wear

(blows out) this remind me of my friend names Helen van Biscuits. There is mexicaned resterant in my town that have contest. They say whoever make loudest fanny cough will get a year supply of burrito for free. We have known for years that our friend names Helen just love them burritos so qwerts call her up and tell her about the contest. Helen get real excited but there is one problem. she can't make them fanny coughs loud enough. But one thing she do have is a brains.

So she do alotta research. She go to library and get books about intestines. She try eating different food. She try holdin in choclates for weeks. She try stading in diffrent position when making fanny coughs. There is no stones turned. She even have strategy meeitngs with my freind qwerts after work. Qwwerts suggest that maybe he could build tiny microphone that make it sound real loud but she say no. She is very honets and wouldn't feel good about winnin them burritos like that. She was at the end of a road and almost give up when teh break of a lifetime happen. She watching a tv show about archetecture of buildings and they say that sometime if there the right combonation of curves and openings that sounds can become ampflied and things sound real loud. It say they use these technique in some of the most famous auditorium in all of a world.

That night she try all different things that have curves and opening. She lean her fanny on a wall, teh window, she use kitchen items like a whinsk. But nothing work. As last resort she take her fingers and make opening between middle and next finger just like mr sponk (ecept it is alittle curved). She put her hand like that around the ###### and make a cough. Babooms! It is so loud that it set off 3 car alarms on teh street. But maybe she just get lucky? She try one more time and it is even more loud. She look out a window and there is like 6 animal jsut lookin at her. When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.
So now she is all set. The contest is today at teh retsaraunt and she knows that destiny is in her bowls. She have her technique and pretty soon she gonna eat burrito for free and the world is her oysters. The contest start and the man who own the restaraunt ( it is called la Pringles) take the stage. "Hello to everyones. Today is day of contest and whoever make teh loudest fanny cough win burrito for a year. on behalfs of me and everyone who work at el pringles, welcome and let teh farters begin! Will all contestant please come to stage." It turn out there is only two people in contest. One is Helen van bisquits and the other is some lady names maria pringles (but they say she aint related). Teh owner say "OK, it just you two, who ever is loudest win!"
So Helen go first. She take a few deep breath. She close her eyes so she can really concentrate. Everyone get real quiet (it real packed there). She slowly hold up her hand and seperate her fingers and curve them (an old lady gasp). She turn around slow and take her her fingers and place them around the outside of teh angus. Here we go. She begin and she let out what is probly one of teh loudest noise ever to come out of a body including screams. It sound like part boat horn and part nucleared esplosion. It is breathtaking and it last for almost 20 seconds. When it is done there is total silence esept for one old man who lookin around and pointing to his ears and tellin everyone he think he is now deaf, but people is pretty much ignore him. Eventually helen turn around and one person start clappin, then a few more and soon it is become a standing ovation. "Borava!" one lady scream. another little girl go to teh stage and give helen a bouquet of flower. Helen is touched and a tear come out. Even Maria pringles look impressed. What can she do ecept to tip her hat to one hell of a fanny cough.

So teh claps die down (ecept for that old deaf man but he wife tell him to calm down and they will hearing aid later). So now it is maria turn. Everyone get quiet again and give maria they attention. Maria look around, she bite down real hard and skin on her nose scrunch. She start counting..."one....two....THREE!" She let out her cough and it sound like snores, but it get a little louder and a little louder and then suddenly there is a second noise that going with it and then ....BOOM teh window esplode! People is so confused. Where did that second part of teh cough come from and how did them windows broke? How does she do that? Teh owner of La Pringle take the microphone "We have a winner! It is maria pringles! Her farts is so loud they break them windows and is sound almost like simons and Garf's uncle when it come out. Congratulation to maria and enjoy you burritos!" Maria start jumping up and down and I look at Helen von bicuits and she is devistating. Even people who watching really don't know what happen. They know that helen probably was louder but Maria broke them windows. So if Helen don't break teh windows and maria do, maria must have been louder.

Helen walk down teh stage and she is very upset. She come to us and say that she try her best and we agree. Qwerts say that he was so impressed by what she do and say he now really attracted to her because she is so talent. We agree it best to go home but Helen want to go say thank you to teh owner before she leave. She have so much class that even though she lose she gonna say thank you. Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all.
So she look around for him and cant find him. She check everywhere and then finally she look through teh door into the kitchen. That is when she see something that change she life forever. She see teh a whole bunch of people dancing around and singing. She see teh owner, he family and Maria pringle is there too. They is throwing people around on chairs like it is jewished wedding. They is all singing and laughing. She hear teh owner say that he so proud of maria pringles and that Maria is a long lost cousin and they rig teh conest so Maria would get them free burritos. It turn out that there were two little boys that threw rocks at teh windows (he give them free taco) when Maria was makin her coughs and teh second, higher pitch noise when Maria was makin her cough was actually teh owner blowing into a special ring he was wearin that make whistles. He time everything just right and with the harmony and teh glass breaking everyone get tricked into believing that Maria was making it all happen but it was all mirage.
Helen is now so mad she burst through the door into the kitchen and everybody who was dancing an laughing stop and look at her. Teh owner say, "Oh, uh, helen, oh, i we sorry that you lose and uh, we..." but helen cut him off. She slowly raise her right and seperate her fingers. Now people are getting real serioused and starting to panic. "No, dont do it helen" maria scream. But helen don't listen. She turn around, put her fingers on teh ######. Me and qwerts have no gone to teh door to watch and helen look over at qwerts and he say to her (real soft) "I love you." and with those words she let out a cough that so loud you cant hear nothin, you could only see teh looks over terror on teh face of teh pringle family. Some bottles of hot sauce start esploding and Maria Pringle get blown against a wall. Some of them beans also esplode and they go into teh owners eyes and I can see him mouthing "i am blind! I blind." She finish and say "you can keep you burritos, from now on I only gonna eat chinesed."

she walk out of teh kitchen and back in the restarant and the people part for her like a red sea. They clappin and pattin her on her shoulders when she walkin by. The old man who went deaf say that teh second farts knock he hearing back and now it is even better than ever. The mayor is there too and he say "I declares today is helen biscuits day." Helen stop and say thank you to everyone and wave. They all wave back but with they fingers a little apart and curve as a sign of respect. Helen tap her heart and show how much that mean to her. She may not have won all them burritos but she won alotta friends and when it is all done and said, burritos go in you and come out but friends stay in you forever.

stu1ds
p and s when i was writin this i think i hear helen make a loud one ...lol hey huerta if you readin this dont tell jimmy **** that i put xlax in teh chuck wagons...lol

Congress Knows Your Dirty Little Secret

Sadly, no mention of necro-beastiality.

Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead!

Well.... that's it. The end of the most mind-numbing class most of us have ever been a part of. The end of an era. A generally unpleasant era, but an era nonetheless.

But the end of LAP does not mean the end of I Love LAP. This was created with the goal of bringing out the funny in the study of law, and that can surely go on, even without our flagship class.

To that end, I encourage input from you, fair reader. Have something you want to share with the class? Experience something that was positively LAP-tastic that needs to be enshrined for its sheer LAP-ticity? Write an entertaining story about an easement only to be disappointed to find out it wasn't going to be shared with the class? Wanna tell me how much I suck for not posting anything for the last week?

Email your submissions, suggestions, and such business to welovelap@gmail.com

But, as for LAP itself, well, hemanahemanahemanahemana

Hitler's Thoughts on the Last LAP Class

A Look Into the Nightmares of a Contracts Professor

Not-So-Noble Romans

One Constitutional Clause to Rule Them All

I Love LAP Theatre: The Three Little Pigs & the Big Bad Zoning Board

Pontius Piglet: .... So there I am, in my lovely house of straw, minding my own business, when this wolf just strolls right up and knocks on my door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in," he says. So I bust a rhyme and I'm all like "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin". I mean, why would I let a wolf into my house? Best case scenario, he's some sort of door-to-door salesman. Worst case scenario, he wants to shred me up on top of his meat salad. I ain't down with that.

Besides, I was in the middle of cooking some delicious slop on the fireplace. No way I was answering the door. And then the wolf just goes and blows my house down. That scalawag. So I hauled my curly tail out of there and to Harry's place.



Hamwise Gamgee: So wait, you had a fireplace in your house made of straw?

Pontius: Well, yeah.

Hamwise: Yeah, you're probably better off having that place burnt down. What happened at your place, Harry?



Harry Plopper: Basically the same thing. Pontius came by, told me what happened back at his house, and then the wolf comes strolling up, tells us he's going to blow the house down, then blows the house down.

Pontius: Even though I don't really think it was totally the wolf's fault.

Hamwise: How do you mean?

Harry: I attended the Eeyore School of Design. It was probably destined to happen.

Samwise: I see.

Pontius: So that's why we're here. We need a place to hide from the wolf, and your place is the sturdiest around.

Samwise: No problem, friends. If the wolf comes by, we'll see how he likes bricks, mortar, and tempered glass.

Harry: You're a life saver.

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

Pontius: OH GOD HE'S HERE! HE'S COME TO EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE WANTS TO DEVOUR MY DELICIOUS BACON HIDE!

Samwise: Relax, guy. He can't get in here. Let me handle this.

.... You might as well just walk away right now, there's no meal here for you, you Big Bad..... Bill Lumbergh?


Bill Lumbergh: What's happening?

Hamwise: What are you doing here?

Bill Lumbergh: I represent the town.

Hamwise: Ok, so what are you doing here?

Bill Lumbergh: We're getting some new industries moving in, so we're going to need to go ahead and move out immediately. We're going to need as much space as we can get, so if you could just go ahead pack up all of your stuff and move it out of here, that would be great. OK?

Hamwise: No, it's not OK. I just built this place. I have a lot of money and hogpower invested in this place. What makes you think it would be OK?

Bill Lumbergh: Well, the area we are standing in is zoned as heavy industrial, not residential. So we're gonna need you to move out of here. OK, great.

Hamwise: You zoned this area heavy industrial?

Bill Lumbergh: The town is expecting a large increase in industry in the next few years. So if you could move out now, that would be great.

Hamwise: No way. There's gotta be some way I can fight this. Get it rezoned or something.

Bill Lumbergh: I'm afraid that time has passed. We gave you a chance. We sent you all those notices in the mail.

Hamwise: That's what those were? I had no idea, since I'm English illiterate. I can only read Pig Latin

Harry Plopper: You know, it's a pretty simple conversion between English and Pig Latin. All you have to do is take the first letter and put it at the end along with an "ay".

Hamwise: Shut up, Plopper. Who do I look like, Enry-Hay Inkler-Way?

Bill Lumbergh: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to just go ahead and move out. That would be great.

Hamwise: There is no way I am moving out. You're going have to take down my house with me in it.

Bill Lumbergh: I was afraid of that. That's why we brought him.

Hamwise: Him? What's he gonna do, breathe really hard on my front door? Is he going to spread pulmonary disease somehow? Your huffing and puffing isn't going to do it against my fine works of masonry. You know what kind of pig I am? I'm the kind of pig who built the Great Wall of China out of stone, and braun. This is a magnificient edifice. It's edificient. You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, Lumbergh.

Bill Lumbergh: We also brought a bobcat.

Hamwise: A bobcat? A bobcat. A bobcat doesn't even have as much lung capacity of a wolf. You're grabbing at straws, Lumbergh. You and your roving gang of woodland creatures are going to cry WEEEEEEE WEEEE WEEEEE all the way home. You've got no shot against my architecture. Just give it up.....

Hamwise: Oh. FML.

Your I Love LAP Anthem Has Arrived

And the award goes to Anthrax!

If They Had Chosen a Different Career Path....

Dean Alexander




Professor Beyler



Professor Britton



Professor Basanta

A Bad Mother SHUT YO MOUTH

Priorities

The Comeuppance Series

Add your suggestions in the comments