I Love LAP: March 2010

It's that time of year again, when law students agonize over filling out their NCAA brackets rather than doing their homework. For shame. Lucky for you, I Love LAP has looked into the crystal ball and developed a fool-proof method of picking the winners for this year's tournament. Let's begin.

Round One: Whose school has an ABA-accredited law school?

One team has a law school: Law School wins!
Kansas, UNLV, Michigan State, Tennessee, Georgetown, Ohio State, Vanderbilt, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Kentucky, Wisconsin, Missouri, West Virginia, Duke, Notre Dame, Baylor, Richmond, Villanova advance.

Both teams have a law school: better US News law school ranking.
Maryland (43) def. Houston (59), Florida State (52) def. Gonzaga (100), BYU (41) def. Florida (51), Texas (15) def. Wake Forest (40), Cornell (13) def. Temple (65), Washington (30) def. Marquette (87), New Mexico (77) def. Montana (Tier 3), California (6) def. Louisville (98).
Both Syracuse and Vermont are tied at Tier 3, so we go to the tie-breaker: which one isn't a 16 seed? Syracuse wins!

Neither school has a law school: whose mascot has a funnier looking headpiece?
Oklahoma State def. Georgia Tech
Butler def. UTEP
Kansas State def. North Texas
Utah State def. Texas A&M
Purdue def. Siena

Round Two: Which school was established first?
Kansas (1865) def. UNLV (1957), Michigan State (1855) def. Maryland (1856), Georgetown (1789) def.Tennessee (1794), Ohio State (1870) def. Oklahoma State (1890), Florida State (1851) def. Syracuse (1870), Butler (1855) def. Vanderbilt (1873), Pittsburgh (1787) def. Minnesota (1851), Kansas State (1863) def. BYU (1875), Kentucky (1865) def. Texas (1883), Wisconsin (1848) def. Cornell (1865), Washington (1861) def. New Mexico (1889), Missouri (1839) def. West Virginia (1867), Duke (1838) def. California (1868), Purdue (1869) def. Utah State (1888), Notre Dame (1842) def. Baylor (1845), Richmond (1830) def. Villanova (1842).

Sweet Sixteen: IMDb rating of movie which is somehow related to the team via location, nickname, or content:
300 (7.8) def. The Jayhawkers! (6.0)
Buckeye and Blue (5.9) def. College Road Trip (3.5)
Battling Butler (7.2) def. Seminole (6.2)
The Pink Panther (7.2) def. Wee-Willie Wildcat (5.8)
The Kentucky Fried Movie (6.4) def. Badger (5.7)
The Tigger Movie (6.0) def. The Sixth Man (5.1)
Boiler Room (6.9) def. Devil in a Blue Dress (6.5)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (6.5) def. Along Came a Spider (6.1)

Elite Eight: Which team is physically closer to the Final Four in Indianapolis?
Columbus, OH (177 mi.) def. East Lansing, MI (222 mi.)
Indianapolis, IN (5.7 mi.) def. Pittsburgh, PA (331 mi.)
Lexington, KY (148 mi.) def. Columbia, MO (335 mi.)
West Lafayette, IN (71 mi.) def. South Bend, IN (140 mi.)

Final Four: Ask Justice Scalia!

On Purdue/Kentucky: As you may know, I'm the kind of guy that expects to get exactly what I'm supposed to. No diversions, no substitutions, no shortchangings. Give me what I want. That's why a team like Kentucky disappoints me. Do you know how many wildcats there actually are in Kentucky? None. Not one. True wildcats by definition are only found in Asia and Africa. Oh sure, you might find some cats living out in the wild in the forests of Kentucky, but those cats are either strays without a home or descended from strays, making them feral cats. If the school were to call itself the Kentucky Feral Cats or the Kentucky Strays, that is a team I could get behind. Moreover, the misnomers continue on through the Kentucky roster. Have you ever looked at John Wall? He's not made of bricks or drywall. I find it hard to believe he would have any success keeping out the elements if I put him in my home. And DeMarcus Cousins? I have yet to see any documented evidence that he in fact does have cousins. But how about Purdue? Now there's a good honest team. Oh sure, not everyone at Purdue ends up making boilers. But some of them do. And that's what's important. Purdue is a big school for astronauts. And that's awesome. I talked to NASA about making my robe capable of taking the heat of reentering Earth's atmosphere, but they said that wasn't feasible. What do they know?
Boilermaking Astronauts 79, Feral Cats 51.
On Butler/Ohio State: Butler is another one of those schools I don't get. Why call yourselves the Bulldogs? When I think of the word Butler I don't think of bulldogs. I like the alliteration and all, but why not just be the Butlers? When you walk into Hinkle Fieldhouse, you should be led to your seat by a butler. And you should be able to say "Get me a ham and lobster sandwich with goat cheese" and they should have to get it for you. Or they're fired. I would support a constitutional amendment that would for all time make the Butler starting five Jeeves, Lurch, Alfred Pennyworth, Mr. Belvedere, and Geoffrey from Fresh Prince. As for the Buckeyes, I like the "The" in The Ohio State University. That's sweet. From now on, you will to me as THE Justice Scalia. For I am THE law.
The The's 81, Jeeves State U. 72.